


Beetlejuice

by ValidEmail (orphan_account)



Series: Spooky Stories to Tell in the Dark [2]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: 5/1 but i turned it into 3/1 cause im lazy, Gay, Multi, i went off the mark just a little bit, just a littttlleee bit, very cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-16 15:11:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12345168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ValidEmail
Summary: Married ghosts Whizzer and Marvin Gerswhin scare Jason to an evil sort of point.Or, I was aiming for a "Beetlejuice" parody and instead ended up with this story, in which I completely missed the target.





	Beetlejuice

**Author's Note:**

> this fucking SUCKS sorry but i've been really distracted because i'm taking two math classes?? so that sucks but anyway i hope you at least get something out of this

Whizzer Brown (Gershwin now, he reminded himself) supposed the cause of their simultaneous death was equal on both of their sides. It had occurred whilst they were driving back from their wedding, the two men overly absorbed in one another to pay attention to the road. That’s why Marvin ended up driving them straight into a lake.

 

“Whiz, you’re dead, they can’t see you,” Marvin sighed for what felt like the hundredth time, watching as his husband attempted to wave his hands in front of their new house residents. Whizzer bit his tongue on concentration, shaking his fingers in front of the wife’s face to no avail.

 

“Are you sure she isn’t just like one of those British soldiers that have no emotions?” He asked with an eyebrow raise, Marvin hopping up onto the kitchen counter with an eyeroll.

 

“No, Whiz, they’re just humans,” He replied, Whizzer letting out a dramatic sigh and flopping his hands against his jeans. “Just like Cordelia and Charlotte, and your mom. None of them can see us.” 

 

“I keep hoping one will be different,” Whizzer leapt up beside him, taking one of his hands into his own. Marvin allowed him to fidget with the wedding band that still clung tightly to his finger. It had been years since they died, but he was still as much in love with Whizzer as he had been the day they had tied the knot. “I just want someone other than you to talk to. This Weisenbachfeld family is hard to stand. Especially the little one. Jason, or whatever.” 

 

_ “Hold up, hold up, hold up,” Whizzer waved his hands around, Marvin giving him an offended glance. “Are you talking about that scrawny freshman who we like...took under our wing?” _

 

_ “Hell yeah, babe,” Marvin responded, a toothy grin appearing on his face. “That kid’s the shit.” Whizzer smiled affectionately at his boyfriend, though there was a hint of exasperation. There was always a hint of exasperation.  _

“Well, we have lived for what, forty years? We gotta check in with the lesbians soon,” Whizzer gave him a grin, one that made his eyes scrunched up slightly, and Marvin fell in love just a little bit more with the man.

 

“Hopefully they’ll kick the bucket soon and join us,” He agreed, jumping down from the counter. Marvin tapped his chin in playful thought, before following his husband into the foyer.

 

“I’m not sure it works like that, Whiz,” He laughed, Whizzer waving him off as he drifted up the stairs. Marvin watched him for a moment, an overwhelming sadness by the fact that his lover’s feet didn’t touch the ground enveloping him, and then he trudged up behind. 

 

“Even as ghosts, you’re still slower than me,” Whizzer giggled, Marvin slapping his butt in retaliation. Whizzer gave an unmanly shriek, shooting his smug-looking husband a quick glare. There was a clatter from the small child’s room, and the two men exchanged looks before peeking inside. The fifteen-year-old boy looked positively frightened, clutching onto an old fake sword as his eyes shifted around his room warily.

 

“Who’s speaking? Where’d those voices come from?” He shuttered out, Whizzer and Marvin’s eyes both growing comically large. Ducking out from the doorway, they knelt down beside the opening to have a whispered conversation.

 

“Oh my god, the new residents’ kid can hear us,” Whizzer hissed urgently, Marvin nodding frantically. They both checked the doorway in case Jason had wandered out. “And he might tell his parents. We can’t get him sent away to a mental hospital. Marv, what do we do?” 

 

“Communicate with him?” Marvin suggested with a wince, Whizzer giving him a pouty expression. “I mean, that’s what you wanted, right?”

 

“And I also wanted a real wedding instead of a commitment ceremony, but that didn’t mean it was a good idea!” Whizzer pressed, hand coming up to grip Marvin’s collar. “Marvin, we are from 1981. I would prefer the person we talk to is an adult, because at least they’ll remember the decade we died in.” 

 

“So what, we just...don’t talk to him?” Marvin questioned in slight confusion, Whizzer nodding solemnly.

 

“We can’t damage his idiotic teenage brain anymore than it already has been. Seeing ghosts when you’re fifteen would probably really mess him up,” Whizzer told him, Marvin nodding.

 

“Alright. Let’s just hide out in the attic,” Marvin suggested, Whizzer pulling him into a kiss by his collar. 

 

“You’re smart, sometimes,” Whizzer allowed him, gliding up through the ceiling. Marvin smiled at his husband, and followed, leaving a scared Jason alone in his room.

 

**1.**

 

Jason crept from his bedroom in the middle of the night, lips pressed tightly together. He was sneaking out to meet Heather at a party - a college party, no less - which meant he had to be absolutely silent. Of course, the ghosts in his house didn’t agree with him. He was halfway down the staircase, when Marvin, holding back giggles, fiddled with the frame. It shook on the wall, and Jason practically screeched. He slapped a hand over his mouth before he could do so, though, and stood there for a moment staring at the mediocre painting in wonder.

 

“You know, this house decor is pretty bland. I think it could use a change or two,” Whizzer mused, drifting alongside Jason. The teen involuntarily shivered at the feeling of the ghost brushing by him. Marvin giggled as Whizzer nudged a rather disgusting looking owl clock to the edge of the dresser that it was sitting on. Jason’s eyes widened, and he sprinted to catch it before Whizzer fully shoved it off. 

 

“What is happening?” He whispered, mostly to the empty air around him. Whizzer chuckled, Marvin gliding over swiftly beside him as Jason clutched the owl clock to his chest. “Who’s there?” At that moment, Marvin flicked the edge of the dresser, and a drawer opened up to reveal tons of scarves. Jason gasped loudly, filling the silent air rather awkwardly. 

 

“Your worst nightmare,” Marvin whispered to Whizzer, attempting to bump their hips. They just glided together, Whizzer holding back a truly evil cackle. Jason shook it off, and pushed the drawer back with one hand, his other still wrapped protectively over the owl clock. Shuffling his feet, he shifted to the den to grab his jacket, which was hanging off of the side of the couch. The married ghosts followed, drifting over to toss the jacket in the air. Jason screamed high-pitched, watching the blue rag flutter to the floor. His eyes widened comically, and at that moment, Marvin flicked on the den light. Jason dropped the owl clock onto the floor, the gross object shattering into millions of pieces.

 

“Shit deserved it,” Whizzer smirked, Marvin wrapping an arm around his shoulders, which was somehow possible despite the fact that they could not hip bump.

 

Murmuring obscenities, Jason backed away from both the lamp and his jacket-right into his father. Bouncing back with a fearful scream, he flushed at the sight of Mendel standing there in his short glory, arms folded across his chest.

 

“And just what are you doing yelling and throwing stuff around our house at two in the morning?” He raised an unimpressed eyebrow, Jason’s mouth flopping around like a fish as he desperately searched for words to defend himself. Whizzer and Marvin left the scene of the crime, giggling into their hands like prepubescent school girls as they did so. 

 

**2.**

 

Jason finally had a chance to be by himself. His mother was off at her PTA meeting, his father at work. It was a Saturday free to search up porn and reign in the hormones that were brought along by being a teenage boy. He sighed contently as he settled into his bed, a box of tissues nearby and his laptop resting precariously on his chest. Pressing play, the moans filled his bedroom, and he bit his lip.

 

_ “WOAH WOAH WOAH,” Charlotte waved her hands, Marvin stopping in his story reluctantly. “This is scary, but for the wrong reasons.” He wrinkled his nose in her direction, Whizzer shaking his head playfully. _

 

_ “Lesbians.” _

 

“I feel like a pedophile whenever he jerks off,” Whizzer groaned into his hand as they faded into the kitchen, avoiding his bedroom purposefully. Marvin smirked.

 

“Let’s meddle with him, then,” Marvin suggested, Whizzer tapping his lip playfully. He put on a playful pout.

 

“Well, I wouldn’t want to be mean,” Whizzer contemplated it, and then snapped into the garage. Marvin followed him just in time to see Whizzer shut off the all the power in the entire house. There was a cry of anguish from Jason’s bedroom, the ghost snickering. Marvin gestured for him to come along, and the two crept up the stairs.

 

“Watch this,” Marvin whispered to him, Whizzer raising a challenging eyebrow. He took a deep breath, and opened his mouth.

“Jason, honey, I’m home!” He spoke, perfectly copying Trina’s voice. Whizzer gaped as a sound rang out that sounded like Jason had fallen off his bed. 

 

“How the hell did you do that?” Whizzer asked in amazement, Marvin wiggling his fingers suggestively.

 

“Magic,” He winked, and Whizzer stifled his giggles. Jason burst from his room, hair sticking up every which way. He had a blanket wrapped around his entire body, eyes wide with fear about his mother coming home early. 

 

Of course, that wasn't the end of it. Whizzer usually tended to take things farther than they needed to be. As Trina started on dinner, Jason watched his parents worriedly, due to the incident from earlier that day. Mendel was reading at the table, Jason’s computer sitting on the table beside them. Whizzer pressed a finger to his lips in the direction of Marvin, who shook his head worriedly. Whizzer flipped up the computer screen, and the porn from before began playing at full volume. Needless to say, Whizzer deeply regretted it, as Jason was battered by his parents for at least an hour, killing the usual peacefulness of he and his husband’s final resting place.

 

**3.**

 

Jason took a deep breath, and turned to Heather Levin, who was perched daintily on his couch. 

 

“You wanna start on our Physics homework?” She implored, tapping a pencil against the sheets that were spread out across Jason’s coffee table. He nodded, bouncing on his heels nervously.

 

“Yeah, but I have something to ask you first,” He started, wringing his hands in front of his body. Whizzer and Marvin watched from the kitchen, disappointed expressions on both of their faces. 

 

“He’s gonna blow it,” Whizzer whispered to Marvin, who nodded. Jason’s face grew increasingly sweaty, the exact opposite to what he normally appeared as. Whizzer sighed, and then stood from his floating seat at the dining room table. Marvin eyed him in confusion as he drifted over to Jason. 

 

“Uh-” Jason was cut off as Whizzer entered his body, possessing him instantly. Heather leapt to her feet, rushing to Jason’s side as he collapsed under the pressure.

 

“Jason! Oh my god, are you alright?” She cried, Jason blinking dazedly. Marvin watched his husband take over the small teenager’s body with a strange sense of pride.

 

“I’m okay, Heather,” He apologized, obviously Whizzer speaking. His nervous atmosphere had disappeared entirely, and he was smiling sutlry up at Heather. “Thank you for helping me up.” She blushed a deep red, and stepped back from Jason, who proceeded to wipe his palms off on his shirt.

 

“It’s what any good friend would do,” She giggled, the sound of windchimes rustling in the wind. “What did you want to ask me?” Jason blinked, and then shook his head, laughing good naturedly.

 

“I don’t remember,” He chuckled, and Heather joined in, the two teenagers sitting down on the couch. Heather leaned over the homework, and shuffled a few papers, before turning to her companion. Jason now looked mildly uncomfortable. He glanced up in the direction of Marvin, and then Whizzer’s head sprung out from the top of Jason’s. Jason slumped over onto Heather, causing her to shriek.

 

“I don’t know how to act like I like girls!” Whizzer hissed to Marvin, who floated over as Heather attempted to straighten Jason’s head back. It looked as though Whizzer had knocked out the real Jason. “Vaginas scare me.”

 

“Of course they do,” Marvin breathed through his nose, and pinched the bridge of it. “Just, let me do it.” Whizzer scowled, and didn’t budge. Marvin gave him an unimpressed look.

 

“Are you gonna have to force both of us to control Jason?” He folded his arms, Whizzer frowning. They were at a stand-still, and then Marvin went into Jason. Whizzer yelped as he was yanked back in by his husband. Now there were two ghosts inside of one a hundred pound fifteen-year-old.

 

“Jason! Oh my god, I have to call 911,” She yelped. Jason shot a hand out, and pulled her close, Whizzer watching Marvin do so bitterly. 

 

“Sorry, I’ve just fallen for you,” Jason breathed, Whizzer groaning loudly at his husband’s cheesiness. Slapping the back of his head, he shoved him aside so that Marvin was now uncomfortably shoved up against Jason’s side, as there wasn’t a lot of room for the ghosts to fit. Whizzer added a wink.

 

“Jason, that’s not funny,” Heather told him, shoving him up rather forcefully. It was clear she was annoyed. “I thought you had really hurt yourself.”

 

“Do you think I can possess her?” Whizzer questioned, Marvin once again taking control. His husband shrugged.

 

“Do you want to possess her?” He asked him in return, Whizzer thinking about it for a moment before shaking his head.

 

“I’m terrified of females,” He admitted, Marvin chuckling. He redirected Jason to shift into an upright position, and grabbed the Physics homework off of the coffee table.

 

“Sorry, Heather,” He grinned sheepishly. After a second, the girl beside him returned it shyly. She shrugged.

 

“It’s alright, I guess,” She agreed slowly. “I do enjoy a good pun once in awhile.” Whizzer pumped his fist in the air joyously.

 

“Jason’s gonna get laid to-o-night!” He shrieked, Marvin covering his ears. Instantly, Jason did the same, as Marvin was technically controlling him. 

 

“Stop being so loud,” He snapped, accidentally getting Jason to say that out loud. The two ghosts watched, both extremely uncomfortable in the tight space, as Heather gave Jason a strange look.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was being loud,” She apologized, patting his hand. Jason waved her off, smiling promisingly at her.

 

“It’s fine. My ears have gotten slightly messed up because of the headphones I just got,” Jason explained. Heather looked concerned. “But it’s alright. I guess I’ll just have to use someone else’s.”

 

“You can borrow mine,” Heather told him. “It’s a well-known fact girls don’t have ear wax.” Whizzer snorted, folding his arms across his chest.

 

“That is a lie,” He informed Marvin, who rolled his eyes. “Also, how are you so good at acting straight? Are you actually a homosexual?” Marvin scoffed.

 

“I’d kiss you right now to prove my gayness if we weren’t currently possessing a teenage boy,” Marvin informed him, Whizzer giggling sweetly. 

 

“Thank you, Heather,” Jason told her, patting her hand. She pinked, and then they dived into the homework. Marvin eyed Whizzer, who was watching him in slight boredom.

 

“Look, we’ve possessed an actual fucking person, and you’re bored?” Marvin raised an eyebrow, Whizzer shrugging. Heather gave Jason a concerned peer over her page.

 

“What was that, Jason?” She questioned, Marvin and Whizzer sharing equally unimpressed glances. 

 

“Good job, Marvin,” Whizzer snorted, Marvin flipping him the bird. Jason shook his head in dismissal. 

“Oh, nothing,” Marvin told her through Jason’s lips. Whizzer wrinkled his nose. 

 

“I actually hate this,” He commented, Marvin pointedly ignoring his pestering husband. Heather nodded, and looked down at her homework. Marvin waited a moment, and then pressed a finger to one of the questions.

 

“Look! Me plus you equals pretty radical,” Marvin cracked, Whizzer chuckling at the terrible pick up line. Heather gave him a grin, toothily and sweet. Marvin understood why Jason mooned over her so much. 

 

“Jason, this is Physics,” She giggled. “Not basic mathematics.” Jason hung his head playfully, Heather batting his arm with a swat of her hand.

 

“But if that’s your way of asking me out, then I accept,” Heather winked. “After all, that’s the answer to the question.” Marvin gaped.

 

“Oh my god, that actually worked,” Jason gasped out, both as Marvin and Jason. Whizzer shook his head, and then removed himself from Jason, struggling slightly due to the tight squeeze. Jason let out a small screech, Heather narrowing her eyes towards her new boyfriend. Marvin shook his head at the disappearance of his husband, and then followed him as he always did. Jason took a deep breath, slamming a hand to his chest.

 

“Are you alright, sweetheart?” Heather put a hand to Jason’s cheek, who watched her in amazement. Beside them, Whizzer and Marvin floated, smirking at each other. 

 

“Peachy,” He replied with breathlessly. Whizzer sighed, as Marvin leaned his head onto his shoulder.

“Our baby’s all grown up,” He cooed, Whizzer rolling his eyes affectionately. 

 

“You’re an idiot, using eighties slang and everything,” Whizzer tugged away from him, and then wiggled his hips. “Now, come on, I gotta get the image of you pretending to be heterosexual out of my mind.” Marvin licked his lips.

 

“Okay,” His voice cracked, Whizzer’s laugh ringing through the house as Heather and Jason goggled over each other, Marvin floating along with his husband, as he always would. 

 

**1**

 

Jason lifted up his toy sword, watching the dark bedroom around him nervously. His grip on the handle tightened, along with his entire body. He narrowed his eyes, and Whizzer glanced over at his partner.

 

“Whadda you say we finally talk to the little bugger?” Whizzer prompted, Marvin raising both eyebrows so high they practically disappeared into his hairline. 

 

“Woah, Whizzer actually wants to speak to a human? What a surprise,” Marvin joked, Whizzer lightly hitting his shoulder.

 

“The kid is terrified,” Whizzer gestured to Jason, who was growing increasingly agitated.

 

“Show yourselves!” he pointed the sword in the direction of the door, the opposite way of the ghosts. “I know you’ve been messing with me.”

 

“If you wanted us to so badly, you could have just asked nicely,” Whizzer pursed his lips, allowing himself to be revealed to the small teen. He jumped back in complete fear at the sight of the well-dressed man in his late twenties shimmering on the top of his desk. “You should know better, really.”

 

“Whiz, stop being so dramatic,” Marvin chided, also allowing himself to be seen. Jason held back a shriek. 

 

“Sorry about him, he’s such a downer,” Whizzer jabbed a finger at his husband, who lowered it with a flirtatious smile.

 

“You’re the downer,” He winked, Whizzer wrinkling his nose at the poorly executed sex joke. Jason looked as though he was about to faint.  

 

“What the fuck?” Jason hoarsely choked out, entire body shaking. Whizzer turned his head in his direction.

 

“Yes, hello, we’re the gay ghosts that live in your house,” Whizzer blantly put, gesturing towards the two with his hand. “We’ve been messing with you for about-

 

_ “Hey!” Marvin cried out as Trina slapped his knee lightly. “I wasn’t done!” She rolled her eyes, leaning into Mendel even more. _

 

_ “That’s the point, idiot,” She deadpanned. “You’re dragging this out way too long. Some of us also want to tell stories. Besides, you’re basically just buttering up Whizzer.” She pointed towards the boy that was hanging off of his boyfriend lovingly, eyes full of affection. Marvin flushed, and stuck his tongue out childishly. _

 

_ “I want to tell the next story! I want to tell the next story!” Cordelia cheered, waving her hand around. Marvin narrowed his eyes at the girl, Whizzer shifting so that he was watching his best friend. She smiled widely. _

 

_ “Don’t worry, this one is actually scary,” She warned, Charlotte giggling good naturedly at her girlfriend. _

 

_ “You’re as scary as a butterfly, sweetheart,” Charlotte kissed her cheek. Cordelia raised a challenging eyebrow. _

 

_ “Watch me scare the shit out of all of you,” She wiggled her fingers, then dropped them. “But don’t worry, there’s a happy ending!” _

 

_ “Of course there is,” Mendel murmured, Trina whapping him in the shoulder warningly. He shut up immediately. Cordelia grinned.  _

 

_ ‘Meet Marvin-” _

 

_ “Oh my god!” Trina’s groans were drowned out as the rest leaned in to listen to the beginning of Cordelia’s story. _


End file.
